Misc

The solitary nature of singularity (part 1)

These two posts are about a piece of advice my boyfriend gave me, from within a dream.

I woke one morning, to recall him telling me, quite emphatically, “it’s about a duality, Ally, not a singularity.” Once I made sure I hadn’t been drinking the night before, and this wasn’t a deep and meaningful we’d had before I passed out, I realised that his voice had spoken to me whilst I slept.

This was so fantastic, and so awesome, that it prompted some extensive pondering. For I knew this already; of course it is about duality,  making a connection with somebody you love, and cultivating that bond.

All I wanted, all I wanted, was to get closer to him. To get to know him even more than I already do, and for our relationship to strengthen and deepen as time past.

Old issues, however, and remnants of my psychotic mindset, were making it really hard to translate what I wanted, into reality.

I had been fighting the negative symptoms of said ‘disease’ for so long, that when Ru came into my life it took me some time to realise that I was no longer fighting on my own. It took me a long time to realise that I could take down my blinkers, because he was standing beside me now, and was persistently trying to take my hand.

A scathing little voice kept sneaking back in and saying the exact words that would ruin an intimate moment, scare me when I knew I was safe, and generally undermine anything which was positively meaningful.

It is like trying to kiss someone with a sharp metal spike protruding from your forehead.

Moreover, my mind had constructed various levels of defence to shield me from stimuli and input with the power to send me into a state of upheaval. These defences keep me removed from the state of duality which my boyfriend was gently and patiently holding out in front of me.

Defences aimed at keeping me singular, and keeping me safe.

Because singularity is peaceful, in a lonely sorrowful sense. It is like staring down at the beauty of the earth, on your own, from a satellite orbiting in space; that beauty is uninterrupted by a comment from anybody else, unobscured by another persons impression.

You are not affected by another persons activity, you are singular, you are self contained.

I have always been aware of the concept of defence mechanisms, but I don’t think I previously understood how deep they can run, and how determined they can be in doggedly pursuing your safety and peace of mind.

This is crucial; love is a doing word, love is breathless, racing and fierce.

It brings a kind of peace with it, but it is not all smooth sailing. Love creates new forms of self and feeling, and new lines of sight. Duality does not allow for permanent and continuous peace of mind.

Love impacts your mind, in the most turbulent of ways, and this causes internal warning lights to start flashing if (like me) you have previously lost yourself entirely to such strong stimuli and sensation.

Turbulent feelings trigger defence mechanisms (any thought process which will counter the feeling), and processes designed to make sure, at any cost, that the head doesn’t fail again, and these intense experiences don’t create another psychic implosion.

It was almost comical how efficiently these mechanisms functioned in my poor addled brain.

In that crucial moment when my boyfriend and I were close, a thought process would kick in which would make me feel dumb, uncertain or fearful- so the closer he tried to get to me the more I would pull away.

The negative feelings that came on with these “distractions” were simply too strong, and too undermining; staying close to him felt too intense.

Breaking out from the paranoid clutches of schizophrenia so that you can turn around and give somebody else your full attention is really, really difficult. The defence mechanisms are part of the condition, and visa versa- it is all just different sides to the fearful aspect of the brain.

It has taken my poor, frantic mind some considerable time to realise that I can let go of those defence mechanisms, move past all of that pain, and come back to a place where I can allow somebody else to take a bit of the slack.

Though it must be said that letting go of these defence mechanisms is a lot harder than the song from disneys Frozen makes out. It is massively hard to let go of stuff, which doesn’t seem to want to be let go of; in fact it is like trying to get rid of a boomerang, the harder you throw it away the harder it seems to return to hit you between the eyes.

We have had to work, slowly and over time, at breaking down my barriers. Like a trickle of water eventually overwhelming a dam made of stone.

As my defence mechanisms were broken down, and those walls crumbled, that initial  feeling of duality, that initial sensation of uncertainty that came from trusting another person, and allowing another person to influence and affect me, was terrifying, after I had subconsciously resisted it for so long.

The mind works to keep you safe, and it works to protect you from perceived threats. However, like an overbearing parent, it is sometimes overzealous, and sometimes works in ways which don’t coincide with what you actually want.

This is nowhere more pronounced with schizophrenia, and my poor minefield of a mind was resisting the notion of duality, on some fearful and subconscious level, because it only seemed to be a massive can of worms which seemed to work to hurt me.

Remaining singular seemed safer.

So my boyfriends dream advice blew my mind, in the very best of ways.

There have been other moments when I have had that illuminating moment, that light breaking through the dark moment; when I’ve realised just how flipping lucky I am that his path crossed mine when it did.

Because I had forgotten how to be part of a pair, I had forgotten how to connect; how to be with another person.

Singularity is safe yes, and it is calm and self-orientated; easy in it’s simplicity. But it is not what I craved, and not what I knew was going to fire me up and light up my spirit. As Ru and I started to get close, I knew that I wanted to go the whole way with him: duality, not singularity.

He came along and stomached all of my insecurities, dealt with all of my ‘neurosis’ and slowly, over the course of two and half years, lifted me up so that I could actually feel the light again.

Love like that, come as something of a surprise.

Theoretically, I always knew that life was about meeting someone who seems to understand you, and then getting as close to them as you physically and psychologically could. I always knew this truth- that life is about duality, not singularity. But this knowledge was very imagined, hoped for, grasped at.

It has become real for me, over the last two and a half years.

(To be continued )

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21 thoughts on “The solitary nature of singularity (part 1)

  1. When you say, “Because I had forgotten how to be part of a pair, I had forgotten how to connect; how to be with another person.” In the world I live in, people who even think of being a ‘pair’ are extremely rare. My own marriage – for all my working at it – revolved around being treated as a singularity (to use your term).

    Much as I might have wanted to have a plurality, we were a family after all, with my ex it really was a case of never quite getting close. My now ex partner Brian had a relationship with his wife that to my senses was more a matter of two singularities bouncing off of each other in the same space and the same time. They each had their needs and wants and somehow got along together, with what seemed to me at least – from the way he spoke about how they lived and the things they did – to be almost without any regard for the other’s needs beyond food, telly and bed.

    What I want to say here is that if you look around you, you will find a good many people who are genuinely singularities. Furthermore, like the autistic person, relationships for such a singularity are simply beyond comprehension. They’ll never, ever, be anything else than a singluarity.

    Which leaves me wondering about your schizophrenia and where it came from (oh, and the still ticklish subject for me of what it actually is: I have an inkling but it is little more than that just now). What I do know is that your schizophrenia was a gift – not for you, after all, you’ve been through hell – but for everyone else who suffers from it, and who might just find a way out because of the things you write.

    Not all of them, because to my mind, it depends on them finding someone who truly accepts and supports them – and for that they need in the first place to be the kind of person who can accept that!

    Because I know my ex wasn’t. For all my years of trying.

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    1. I agree that there are some people who genuinely are singularities, and can be in a relationship with another such person, and it can work fine; as you said they kinda bounce off of one another and have a mutual understanding perhaps, that they can each use the other as and when they need to; in a good way.. However to me the idea of a real duality seems the most natural and the most real; and I have had a couple of very intense, close relationships with people in the past, which left me hurt, and I think a part of me had genuinely closed itself off to the potential of another person. And, as I have put in this post, my boyfriend reminded me of that potential from a dream! Imagine that!.. it’s not even a cute line for the post; I really did wake up one morning and remember him telling me this piece of genuis advice. I’m hopefully gonna put up the second half of it today, if I get working! (Also you MUST tell me what your thoughts are on my diagnosis, because I have many ideas as well, mostly surrounding unfortunate psychology and conflicting psychic forces… but I’d love to hear your thoughts as well!) And thanks for your kind words again about my book- I really hope I can help people through it. I’ve been so lucky to make the ‘recovery’ I have.. other people don’t have the support that I have had.. so yeah- would love to be able to give something back.

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      1. Firstly, an apology: as yet I haven’t the experience of the things you’ve suffered to make anything more detailed than a general response. Your speaking about how you were ‘lost’ really hammered me, because it was so distant from my own understanding, yet it was something I was trying to figure out for myself. My own speciality as it stands is the subconscious and the nature of the ‘comfort zone’. Beyond that, it is largely dart throwing on a map I’ve never seen before.

        What is most important is that you are able to speak clearly and with confidence. If there is one thing on this earth that is healthy, it is openness and honesty.

        Now: you speak of how close you are to your boyfriend, after all, if you weren’t close, you’d not be dreaming of him in the way you did. That in itself implies a trust that didn’t exist with the others – why that was is a question that only you can answer, you were in the relationship, not me. However, my point is this: what led you to be defensive with them, and not with your current one?? For myself, I am more than aware of a person’s defences, the areas where they wish to remain a singularity – which is an interesting term to use, and you must forgive me if I steal it!! The point being that if they have a defence, isn’t it natural not to trust them?

        I learned that the hard way, too. But I learned it a lot later in life than you have – and your level of awareness is so clear that a sensibly open relationship with a sensible duality is all but ensured. What will help is knowing that we all have blind spots, but they don’t have to be ones we’re scared of discovering for ourselves. Somebody who is otherwise open, yet simply misses something isn’t going to raise any hackles.

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      2. My last two boyfriends were idiots, there is no better way of putting it. However I think I was at a point where I was still very insular myself (lol so perhaps they weren’t idiots and it was just me, but hey..). My current boyfriend has been able to help me; he is insightful and caring and laid back enough to deal with a slow and sometimes messy pace of recovery. I say recovery because it has been a process of not letting the negative symptoms get to me.. which is basically recovery in a nutshell. Also- I want to get over the issues that i have for my current boyfriend, because he is definitely worth that fight and that effort 🙂 I guess it’s just a question of meeting the right person. Meeting Ru when I did actually makes me believe in ideas of fate and God, tbh- because I hate to think how introverted I could have become if I hadn’t. I can be fairly self-obsessive now! But I think it would have been a lot worse. He came along at the perfect time. Anway enough of me rambling about fate.. When you say your areas of expertise are the subconscious and comfort zones, in what way? Have you studied them at all? The subconscious fascinates me also, and the different ways it can be conceptualised. Lastly, don’t apologise, I welcome other peoples theorising on what it all means.. and steal away- it’s another great set of ideas to discuss! Have a good day 🙂

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      3. It would seem that you two have something genuinely worthwhile – the moreso in that you both want to work for it. I can understand your being a difficult person to live with, but it’s also possible for someone to see that spark of life that glows within. Whatever happens, you will both have learned something, and if there is one thing that keeps a couple together for positive reasons, it’s that they wish to learn.

        The nature of fate is closely bound up with the subconscious. In short, many of the problems we have are brought upon ourselves because of the way we’re unaware of behaving. Since this is quite normal for most people, it’s not surprising that they’d assume any nastiness from anybody else would be the result of being unaware of one’s effect on others.

        My studies in this area have been largely the result of unravelling my own shortcomings and those of others. it does require conscious conceptualizing, as you say; if you try to deal with it in terms of evidence it will simply melt away like the grin on the face of the Cheshire Cat. Your ability to conceptualize is what will mean a lot to those who can benefit from your book; it will also bring a mountain of approbrium from the establishment. My own book deals with that in several aspects – albeit as a story.

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  2. This is some powerful stuff! What a beautiful experience. Dreams are often gateways to the truth. Have you read “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz? I highly recommend it to you. I found it incredibly helpful in my journey to achieving an ever-growing healthy relationship with my husband.

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      1. We need to speak about the nature of dreams. It doesn’t make them any less important, or any less moving. It will make them a lot more sensible. 😉

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      2. Yeah tell me about it.. i feel like he hit the nail on the head for me, simply pointing out what’s obvious, which i hadn’t been able to pin down. As i said in my post, i’m convinced, at times, that he’s a genius. He deals with all my loopy flights of fancy, and then always finds the pathways back for me 🙂

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      3. And you have shown me some pretty obvious truths… things that were so obvious that I had overlooked them entirely!

        The key to dreams is that we cannot imagine anything we haven’t at some time experienced. The imagery we employ in our minds must always have some provenance in the reality of our lives, which in the case of dreams, includes many images and happenings that have been long forgotten.

        That doesn’t detract from the impact of the dream you had – nor of its message. All it means is the language by which it was conveyed had to exist within you, and the dream which spoke perhaps of things unimaginable could only convey them in terms of the imaginable.

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      4. ha I’m not sure what truths I’ve shown you?! You must share, lol will probably bowl me over!! I had a close relationship with a friend when I was a teenager, been since then have avoided dualities because it seemed to be that they just got you hurt! It has taken my wonderful boyfriend to remind me of their magic 🙂

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      5. lol sorry to be sickeningly sweet.. I tend to wax lyrical a little bit when I describe my boyfriend.. which tends to make most of my friends want to barf!… 😉 😉

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  3. If your friends want to barf, let them. It’s not pleasant to experience: it’s far nicer to have a loving – and supportive – other half. Goodness, I’d have waxed lyrical if my ex had been anything approaching yours. You’re really, really lucky!! Given what you’ve been through, the only kind of person who would be able to handle that kind of disturbance would be an extremely gentle and accepting person.

    As to the truths you showed me, it was your experience of being outside your comfort zone during your schizophrenic episodes. I am still trying to work out how it all happens, but first need to establish a little more of how it felt to you.

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    1. Lol well i’ve just put up a post which describes a little of the negative side to it.. or it could just be plain old writers block/frustration lol. And thank you, i know- he’s an absolute star. Don’t know what i did to deserve him 🙂

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      1. In all likelihood, he’s thinking the same.

        That doesn’t stop him being him, and it doesn’t stop you being you… it does mean that for all the negativity, the delight in each other is worth far more.

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  4. I really like your story, it give some hope about love and duality for a person like me who already give up the idea. I feel stong secure and i don’t need anyhelp in my singularity i’m not ready to get close to anybody ( even though I can share some physical intime moment whith somebody but it never exceed a physical state in my mind i’m alone and i should stay alone because this is better ). I think that the state of duality is rare even people in relashion are not in a state of duality.So we can say that you are lucky
    or mother nature is rewarding you for your effort and hard try .anyway keep going and i wish for you all the best

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    1. Thank you for this thoughtful comment. I do think that I am very lucky, very VRY lucky to have met someone who is so amazing. There are good people out there, you just have to hold onto faith and hope, and keep getting out there you know. But different people are different, and maybe some people function better single, I don’t believe that you have to be ‘part of a pair’ to be happy in this life.. I think we’re all on a journey, and you just have to be open to whatever is in front of you. Thanks so much for reading, take care.

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