“It’s a duality Ally, not a singularity.”
This was the line my boyfriend delivered to me, from within a dream. I awoke the next morning, remembered it and knew- my boyfriend is a genius. I had suspected it for a long time.. but this only confirmed it.
I mean, who manages to impart such crucial and life altering knowledge, via the subconscious? Navigating the intricate and twisting back channels of the mind, during the dark hours when they are relaxed and unwound; maintaining such purpose, and such a message, he was able to curl into my mind and offer me this crucial advice.
As we lay with our eyes closed and dreaming, drifting through the ether with only the stars as our guides; he found the pathway for me which I had been searching for, and then he gave me the words I needed to hear to return to it.
It was his voice which reminded me of this truth; which is as breathtaking as it is wonderful, and he probably flitted into my dream world as the exact moment I needed to hear it, at the exact moment I needed words to elucidate my fragile dream.
He’s absolutely brilliant like that.
What he has reminded me of, and allowed me to trust in again, is the power of love- the simple but crucial nature of creating said duality with somebody you love, and then clinging onto one another as life fires its bullets at you.
Because life will, at times, take aim and fire at you. Whether you deserve it, or whether it is chance giggling impulsively in the background; life will hurt you at some point or another, and this hurt is significantly decreased if you have another persons shoulder to cry on, rant on, or simply to lean on for a while as the fires die down.
Duality; love- allows us to shield one another from adversity, and hold one another up higher than we would be able to reach on our own. Friends and family help out; help to soften the blows which life and experience dish out.
What I a focusing on here, however, is the duality of lovers; duality of the deepest kind. A duality of lovers is where souls merge; in a way which is blissful physicality, and then so much more: it is where two peoples emotional make-up touches and transforms the other.
The sparks that fly- when you get the closest you can possibly get to the person you love- are a new kind of energy which is created, a new aspect of each of you which materialises.
To be open to this, open and willing to be changed and transformed: this is the most important choice in the world.
This inter-subjectivity, this decision to let your version of the world mesh with somebody else’s, to let your ideas combine with somebody else’s and be altered; and be open to the outcome, open to the ensuing chaos and tumultuous period of resettlement, as all the parts of you are thrown up into the air and scattered into new and wildly beautiful configurations- this is the force and power of duality.
It is a decision that must be made; to give away your heart and receive somebody elses in return, and these forces can seen terrifying, if you have been floating, like I had, for many years, lost in a state of comparatively simple singularity.
Duality is all about connection, it is about letting another person touch you; physically- but just as importantly- emotionally and spiritually. Trusting another person enough to let them get close to you, and let them get past the defences you put up to face everyday life.
It is not simple, it is not calm or gentle. Even with a ‘sane’ mind the twists and turns of love, relationships; duality, can be violently turbulent.
With schizophrenia, these twists and turns can morph into emotional labyrinths, dead ends and traps which work to cling at anything which dares to try and navigate them. I had been struggling with them forever; my boyfriend mastered them in just over two years, and then constructed lamp-posts to light the way for us now when we re-explore them together.
My inner world has been lit back up, the shadows have been vanquished and the routes have been made traversable again.
To stand face to face with him, naked in every respect; and then to take a single step forward so that we are just touching, and connected- this was my first step in this trans formative, redemptive process.
For what I have learnt, is that you have to let yourself be touched, on a level deeper than you thought possible; let yourself be affected, let yourself be open and confident in your vulnerability. This paradox, this sense of being confident in the vulnerable state you open within yourself- this is the leap of faith that Love requires before duality can become real.
Love is merely a word? Or a force, a verb, a feeling; with duality as its expression.
In my schizophrenia related frenzy, I was trying to figure this out, I was trying to work out what it all meant, and how, and why-
I have realised this was just echoes of the slow spiral of singularity- attempting to make things simple, attempting to make things clean. I was doing this because I had forgotten about the part of me that could just be with someone, without constantly niggling for a justification, a rational excuse to be that happy, or a proven explanation of exactly what was occurring.
Duality is not clean, it is not simple, sterile or rationally deductible: is about friction, fire and seething, raging forces. I have finally reached a place where I know I can withstand this fire without being burnt, I can mix with him without being lost.
For it is when you are close enough for electrons to be exchanged; physically, emotionally, spiritually- this is the start of something major, something trans formative, something so crucially essential.
It is scary, and it can be so very painful. But for all of that it has the greatest rewards, and the greatest outcome.
My process, from solitary singularity, through schizophrenic wastelands of uncertainty, to Love- to my wonderful boyfriend, to Duality, has been a crash back to earth on the most stupendous of scales. Floating in space was beautiful, but it was so breathlessly lonely.
I thrive in the passion and energy of the real world, I want the force and the flux of life and love and everything that comes with that…
I have remembered now what I already knew long ago, that he and I, that Duality, is the most important thing in the world. Simple as.
Love and duality; they are the most important forces in the universe.
Embrace them entirely or be left in their wake.