I do definitely have moments where I feel like I could believe in a higher power, or a higher force of some kind. My issue, or uncertainty, is- is that force conscious? Or do we all simply have a conscience, or a voice in our head, that could be misconstrued as a God. Therefore, ultimately, is it all down to us, or do we have external help.
Sometimes I think it’s a bit of both. I don’t know, I’m not sure… at some point i need to actually sit down and decide exactly what it is that I believe. I just haven’t got round to doing it yet.
And it is stories such as my close friends which make me think that there cannot be a God, or if there is, that God cannot be good. Because what God would make somebody who is that lovely, that thoughtful; somebody who tries so very hard to better her situation and works every single flipping day to get better; what God would make that person suffer more?
If there is an all-powerful God, then that God cannot be Good. If this God is good, then it cannot be all-powerful. (This is a line from Batman vs Superman, but it really resonated with me so I thought I’d include it.) I know I’m ranting a little bit, but this has been bugging me for some time.
My friend is a born again christian. She prays every day, works to put others before herself, turn the other cheek when people casually hurt her because they don’t understand her situation, and tries every single day to move past her illness so that she can start getting more out of life again.
If there is a God, then why is she being made to suffer in the way that she is? I want to believe that there is a higher power that is somehow aware of us, or that fate really exists or functions on some level.
I would love to be able to believe in some kind of benevolent force, some force in the universe that actually cares. But I can’t help but think- if there was, why hasn’t it found it’s way into my friends life.
Perhaps my friend has a wisdom which I haven’t yet developed; an ability to consider the contradictions inherent within faith and religion, and then simply accept them because what more can we do? – faith only works to make you stronger.
Or perhaps, as some religious people tell me, this life is a test. Perhaps there really is a heaven, and my friend, for all the suffering she has gone through, will be let in and allowed to live in paradise eternally. This may well be the case, and maybe that is the way heaven works- maybe there is a system, an amount of suffering that must be endured whilst retaining a good heart, before an individual can be let into heaven.
She has gone through enough suffering to last five life-times, and yet still has the best heart of any person I know.
On a slightly less metaphysical level, she is also going to an appointment on Monday to see if the NHS will fund a fairly expensive treatment, which could perhaps help her and decrease the intensity of her symptoms. Once again- nobody is more deserving of this funding, and nobody could have worked harder, or suffered in relative silence for longer than she has.
If she doesn’t get the funding on Monday, my faith in people and ‘the system’ will have been knocked a tad; heck my faith in people and… ‘the system’ was at best shaky already- I guess a better way to put it is that my faith in the external, abstract concepts of right and wrong will have been delivered a fairly hefty blow.
I plan to keep my fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossed until Monday afternoon when she has been told either way or the other. My boyfriend said to me yesterday, “she will get the funding;” I said to my friend on the phone “you will get the funding,” and if I type it again then that is three lots of high intensity, ultra confident “we shape our own destiny thinking”-
SHE WILL GET THE FUNDING ON MONDAY.
I don’t pray often, I always feel slightly hypocritical; but this is something I will definitely keep in my thoughts for the next few days. She is one of the best people I know, and I hate to think of how much she suffers, and how little she deserves it.
I am sure that the universe will right itself, and over the next year or two she will get her portion of happiness, good luck and success, because she is absolutely overdue some of all that good stuff. I can’t wait for the day when I can call her up, and know that she’s not feeling tired, and stressed from all the forced smiling and effort expended on ‘keeping up appearances’ for the sake of the people around her.
She’s so much better than all of that, and she is worth so much more than that. I know that soon, she’ll be able to actually feel that again. Some day soon, she will get her portion of good times, and good luck: and she will be able to wake up in the morning again and actually look forward to what the day ahead of her will bring.
This will happen, some day soon!