A Post about a friend of mine who is long overdue some luck (part 2)

I do definitely have moments where I feel like I could believe in a higher power, or a higher force of some kind. My issue, or uncertainty, is- is that force conscious? Or do we all simply have a conscience, or a voice in our head, that could be misconstrued as a God. Therefore, ultimately, is it all down to us, or do we have external help.

Sometimes I think it’s a bit of both. I don’t know, I’m not sure… at some point i need to actually sit down and decide exactly what it is that I believe. I just haven’t got round to doing it yet.

And it is stories such as my close friends which make me think that there cannot be a God, or if there is, that God cannot be good. Because what God would make somebody who is that lovely, that thoughtful; somebody who tries so very hard to better her situation and works every single flipping day to get better; what God would make that person suffer more?

If there is an all-powerful God, then that God cannot be Good. If this God is good, then it cannot be all-powerful. (This is a line from Batman vs Superman,  but it really resonated with me so I thought I’d include it.) I know I’m ranting a little bit, but this has been bugging me for some time.

My friend is a born again christian. She prays every day, works to put others before herself, turn the other cheek when people casually hurt her because they don’t understand her situation, and tries every single day to move past her illness so that she can start getting more out of life again.

If there is a God, then why is she being made to suffer in the way that she is? I want to believe that there is a higher power that is somehow aware of us, or that fate really exists or functions on some level.

I would love to be able to believe in some kind of benevolent force, some force in the universe that actually cares. But I can’t help but think- if there was, why hasn’t it found it’s way into my friends life.

Perhaps my friend has a wisdom which I haven’t yet developed; an ability to consider the contradictions inherent within faith and religion, and then simply accept them because what more can we do? – faith only works to make you stronger.

Or perhaps, as some religious people tell me, this life is a test. Perhaps there really is a heaven, and my friend, for all the suffering she has gone through, will be let in and allowed to live in paradise eternally. This may well be the case, and maybe that is the way heaven works- maybe there is a system, an amount of suffering that must be endured whilst retaining a good heart, before an individual can be let into heaven.

She has gone through enough suffering to last five life-times, and yet still has the best heart of any person I know.

On a slightly less metaphysical level, she is also going to an appointment on Monday to see if the NHS will fund a fairly expensive treatment, which could perhaps help her and decrease the intensity of her symptoms. Once again- nobody is more deserving of this funding, and nobody could have worked harder, or suffered in relative silence for longer than she has.

If she doesn’t get the funding on Monday, my faith in people and ‘the system’ will have been knocked a tad; heck my faith in people and… ‘the system’ was at best shaky already- I guess a better way to put it is that my faith in the external, abstract concepts of right and wrong will have been delivered a fairly hefty blow.

I plan to keep my fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossed until Monday afternoon when she has been told either way or the other. My boyfriend said to me yesterday, “she will get the funding;” I said to my friend on the phone “you will get the funding,” and if I type it again then that is three lots of high intensity, ultra confident “we shape our own destiny thinking”-


I don’t pray often, I always feel slightly hypocritical; but this is something I will definitely keep in my thoughts for the next few days. She is one of the best people I know, and I hate to think of how much she suffers, and how little she deserves it.

I am sure that the universe will right itself, and over the next year or two she will get her portion of happiness, good luck and success, because she is absolutely overdue some of all that good stuff. I can’t wait for the day when I can call her up, and know that she’s not feeling tired, and stressed from all the forced smiling and effort expended on ‘keeping up appearances’ for the sake of the people around her.

She’s so much better than all of that, and she is worth so much more than that. I know that soon, she’ll be able to actually feel that again. Some day soon, she will get her portion of good times, and good luck: and she will be able to wake up in the morning again and actually look forward to what the day ahead of her will bring.

This will happen, some day soon!




12 thoughts on “A Post about a friend of mine who is long overdue some luck (part 2)

  1. What do they say about evil? That it has been so successful because nobody believes in it any more? I know it’s an out of date idea, that it’s not possible to see and all that kind of thing.

    If there is one thing that comes through both of your posts, it is that in a situation where a person becomes overwrought, anxious, the beginning of this was always something truly tiny. Recently I wrote a post entitled ‘Trouble In The Toilet’ which spoke of a friend whose toilet kept making a noise. The eventual panic and the tragedy that unfolded (such as it wasn’t) showed what a misguided mind can get up to. He only needed a replacement tap washer…

    His problem was that he didn’t ask my advice: no surprise there, really, when he has professional friends who can sort these things. Only couldn’t! Which only compounded the problem for him.

    Which makes me think of the doctors who can only supply anti-depressants in one form or another – or worse, ECT. The very thought of which sends a shudder down my spine.

    I’m sure that there’ll be something deep down in your friend that when ‘let loose’ compounds itself in the way it did with my friend. More likely there’ll be several, each of which is intermingled with the other and so even harder to discern. Alex: you’re the closest friend they have. You might be able to see what it is, I don’t know. But you can’t tackle it head on in the way the quacks do: it has to be a path that leads around it and so brings it to light in their own mind. It’s why gardening is such a powerful therapy.

    When it’s used at all…

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks a lot. It is a kind of evil that means that she can’t kick the symptoms she has.. it’s so head bangingly unfair. I just so hope the funding for the treatment comes through for her on monday. It flipping better do…


      1. Isn’t that the head-banging challenge? I will openly admit that there are – or should be – concerned people who should be helping. Properly, not just administering a drug to make the symptoms disappear, but leave the root cause unfettered.

        The kind of evil you speak of is the kind that tempts… and if you look at our society, we’re tempted in all manner of ways, the most common of which today is an addiction to a smartphone. Look around you anywhere these days and you’ll see it. And it’s what those people want most, and it’s socially acceptable to be antisocial in that way. Weaning oneself off such things is far from easy – in a world where most people think it’s entirely normal. That’s not to say I’m against smartphones, it is to say that I am against their misuse.

        By the way, I had a delightful meeting with a railway conductor today who is writing his own book – all the stories he’s heard as a conductor on the trains! You can imagine we hit it off. One more reason to venture up north!

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Thanks a lot. It is a kind of evil that means that she can’t kick the symptoms she has.. it’s so head bangingly unfair. I just so hope the funding for the treatment comes through for her on monday.. it better do or else i shall be pissed.


  2. Ah awesome, I would imagine that he has many stories to tell, stretching over every aspect of humanity and beyond. Also, the way you worded it that makes it sound like the beginning of a rom com- girl meets a guy at a train station, and both are writing books… sounds great! And thank you for your advice- I agree it has been driving me crazy over last year or so that no doctor or psychologist worth his salt has come forward and been able to do anything for my friend.. i genuinely believe she has stuff in her head that’s hurting her and thus making her unable to relax- if she could express some of that hurt it would take it out of her head. But no doctor has emerged as of yet. I live in hope. Anyway I’m just going to check out some of your more recent blog posts.. have a good monday 🙂


    1. I seriously doubt that a medically trained professional will be able to do anything but follow the rule-book.

      I was chatting with a friend who mentioned that one of the people he worked with listened to music the whole time. Loud music. The reason this other person wanted to listen to music was because it drowned out her own thoughts. Imagine a life where your own thoughts are intrusive!! To me, painful thoughts would be preferable over that…

      And yes, expressing those thoughts would help. But then, you’ve been through this and you had the innate capacity to heal yourself – given some ‘down time’ by the sedators. After all, it’s all they can do. All they can do without forming a relationship with you. Which is, after all, what psychology is all about – or would be if they weren’t trained to keep a distance and thus torpedo the very thing that would make them healers.

      Might it be possible for you to start the process by describing her thoughts for her, in simple, effective words? Coax her out of her prison, bring her a little peace so that she knows what it feels like, and how easy/difficult it is to achieve? It doesn’t matter how easy or difficult it is: that it can be done at all is the point. That way you wouldn’t need to live in hope any longer, but be part of her future. There’s not a doctor’s needle in the world that would do as much.

      Liked by 1 person

    2. As to my train conductor, men of that kind are usually happily married. Not that I even asked: it was just such a delight to meet someone who was engaged in doing something they weren’t forced to do by the rulebook. And if there is anything in this world that is run by rule-books, it is the railways – yet on account of the number of people they convey, they are the perfect place to discover the real meaning of the rulebook.

      For one thing, in giving the name of the next station, he mentioned which side of the train the platform would be on. Something I know from the German railways, but not the Dutch – and when you’ve got a heap of baggage, it helps a lot when getting out. I mentioned this to him, and he responded by saying that he did it for the blind people – which of course was a thought that had never entered my head. My own problems came first when it came to getting out… but it made me think what it would be like for a blind person standing by the door of the carriage, not knowing that it wouldn’t open because it was on the wrong side…

      The truest human act is to think in the place of others. Those who do will do their work better.

      Liked by 1 person

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s