I have been having a dream, periodically, for about a year now, and thought I would write about it in an effort to deconstruct it, and then maybe get a sense of what it might be about.
I’m coming to the end of an academic course of some kind, and have worked really hard all the way through it, in expectation of a top grade and success. I’m now approaching the final module, and the final exam, but have let everything slip. I haven’t kept up my studying, I haven’t done the revision that I needed to do, and am now facing the prospect of failing the last exam, and thus the whole course.
But.. it wasn’t over.
The second underlying point of the dream, was that I still had 2 weeks before the exam, and knew, deep down, that I could probably still get the grade I wanted if I worked my ass off in that time. I would need to cram about 3 months of work and revision into two weeks- but I could probably do it, if I committed and didn’t waste any more time.
I would always wake up feeling apprehensive about failure and pissed at myself for being so dumb and seeming to fail miserably at the last hurdle of something I would have had in the bag, and could have aced, if I’d just kept my focus for a little while longer. Moreover, I knew that if I started straight away, I could probably catch up- but it would require a monumental effort right now.
So this is the dream, or the bare bones of it- for it has altered slightly at times.
In some versions the annoyance I felt at myself was less- and I was able to think, “this isn’t that important, exams aren’t everything.” In other versions of it I was more confident of my ability to power through the revision and the cramming and still get the grade I had been expecting.
But every time I felt that underlying sense of tension, and the vague sense that I had screwed up something important that I might have achieved.
Last night, there were other things going on around that underlying theme: I knew I had this exam looming, and that I had some intense cramming to do, but other things were happening as well which were just as important to the dream, and were offsetting some of my stress.
I have wondered about this dream quite a bit, and have tried to work out what it might be about. I’m not someone who puts loads of importance on the things your brain churns out whilst you are sleeping, but at the same time the frequency of this one, and the repetitious nature of the subject, has led me to wonder whether there might be anything in it.
At the moment, I am trying to get my book written, and get into a routine of writing regularly again. I am also contemplating a new career, a travelling trip with Ru, and, (this is the one that worries me) I am trying to smother the last niggling negative symptoms which I experience.
The dream freaks me out because, sometimes, the voices stress me out with stuff like-“you’re getting your head round your issues too slowly, you should have understood that by now.. you should be able to deal with those thoughts/emotions/memories by now..”
It’s some kind of strange pre-destiny freak out; the idea that there are times and dates that I need to “get better” by, and that I need to have grasped certain things and resolved other issues by specific points in time. If I don’t keep progressing at a certain rate, and reach certain “fixed points” of recovery in good time, the pathway I wish to proceed upon will be shut off to me forever.
Some kind of cosmic doorway will be shut.
This is the fear, and I am aware that it’s crap- but it still sometimes creeps into my mind and whispers these lies. Rationally thinking; it is all complete and utter bs.
There is no time limit; there is no deadline on when I have to feel better by- I am simply recovering, gradually, over time.
All I am doing by freaking out like this is putting undue pressure on myself; pressure which doesn’t need to be there, and is probably only feeding into the underling condition and the dream itself…!
The dream is most likely a representation of this anxiety; like a deep part of my subconscious is freaking out about leaving all the crazy bs behind, and coming up with new and frantic ways to exert stress, delusional logic, and reasons to freak out about the universes grand plan and whether or not I’m “keeping up with it.”
I’m working dam hard on recovery, on dealing with the issues, real and imagined; I am investing in the present and the future, and trying to do things which make me feel good. I don’t feel as though I’ve lost any focus, or need any kind of reminder about the continuous forward movement of time- and instead know that I am leaving behind all of the ridiculous stresses and worries which consumed me when I was seriously suffering.
My subconscious mind may just need a little bit of time to catch up.
The dream is a paradox within itself.. it’s like a dream about a dream, which is only making me worry on levels which aren’t healthy or conducive to moving forward. The central fact of the dream is that I need to worry and stress right now, or else I won’t move forward- but I think the truth is actually the complete opposite.
What I need to do is continue to focus upon relaxing, and leaving all the cosmic currents behind. What is important is finding my own current, my own rhythm and forward motion; all things that I am very much doing already..
So- my conclusion:
This was only a dream, nothing more and nothing less- and I think my time will be much better spent focusing on my waking hours, not those that I spend flitting around the mythical and indistinguishable land of Nod!