(Continued from a previous article..)
Moreover, if you entertain any of these thoughts for too long, the obvious yet perilous extension is to start wondering where the strength of these experiences come from- and that is when you start to stray into really dangerous territory.
Because the intensity of the experiences literally wipes reason away from your ability to comprehend; reason becomes a pale shade, a weak flimsy layer of hope and optimism in the face of forces which seem to hold more force in their little finger than any logical theory could ever, really, hope to contain.
Your ability to reason is knocked away, and in crawls other things: fear and doubt and disbelief?
For it does usually feel as though there is something there; some kind of malevolent force forcing you to periodically endure this bizarre waking nightmare.
The strength of it, and the way it comes on out of the blue for no apparent reason, makes it feel like there is something, something which is doggedly hounding you and making you suffer.
Obviously, this is not the case; obviously it is only the force of the illness and the force of the psychosis.. but once you’ve experienced these intense bouts of psychosis enough times that just the suggestion of its reappearance is enough to strike dread into you, you start to wonder- what exactly is this psychosis, and why is it so ridiculously powerful.
You are aware that thinking in this way isn’t helpful.. but it is really dam hard not too.
For me, these are the thoughts which really strike terror into me. When it’s happening, all I can seem to think is why is this happening again, and how will I overcome it when it’s this flipping strong and this flipping persistent?? And then the chilling sensation creeps in that there is actually something there; there is something which is attacking you and it’s pissed, really really pissed and seems to have no mercy, remorse or reason.
That is when it really grips you; it seems to sink it’s claws in and thrash you about. You’re already mentally on your knees being kicked in the face repeatedly by the strength of these sensations; but then the creeping paralysing doubt starts to crawl in- where does that strength and intensity come from- what the f*** is this?
But at the same time you’re frantically screaming to yourself this isn’t helpful thinking! This isn’t positive! Get back up to that razor thin line and start trying to walk it again..!! Get away from all of these delusions and associations which are only fuelling this waking hell!
When all of this starts happening.. it’s the most you can do to hold yourself upright. It’s the most you can do not to collapse to the ground in tears; tears of sadness and despair yes, but more so tears of bind rage and frustration at the futile useless nature of these symptoms, and the unjust nature of the whole goddam experience.
It really, really isn’t pleasant. Just like trying to remove your own teeth with a pair of pliers.. really wouldn’t be pleasant.
(Continued in part three..)
Mad new world 
Thankyou for an excellent post. Whilst you didn’t say anything about this, it did trigger something in my mind – again something that is so annoyingly obvious.
It’s all to do with the ‘spirals’ I talked about in your last post in this series. Unless the human has a balanced outlook, that is to say, they are conscious of what they do, they will find themselves on an inward spiral – or as you found, on an outward spiral.
The key here is fear. When someone fears, they cannot be conscious of what they do; the problem here is that when such a person is faced with a ‘trigger’ (I think that’s the word you used), there’s literally nothing to stop their mind from exploding.
This is the downside of fear. Not that this was your fault; you cannot expect true maturity of anyone under the age of forty. I’ve met it in a nineteen year old, but she is extremely gifted. Your gifts lie in another realm, and one that left you open to the horror of madness. These gifts are ones you have to fight for; that young lady has challenges of a very different kind, the kind that her work as a toilet cleaner have prepared her for. But they haven’t prepared her for the disappointment that arrives along with those challenges.
https://gemmasponderings.wordpress.com/2017/01/11/the-toilet-cleaner/
PS has anybody mentioned the name ‘Nietzsche’ to you, out of the blue? He was as gifted a writer as you are.
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There is so much stuff in this email, lots that I’ve been thinking about over the last little while as well. I’m rushing to get out right now, but will email you later 🙂
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Ally – when’s part 3?! I’m truly intrigued to read your honest account of what you have gone through in the past 12 years. It takes a lot to open yourself up to the world; to let us all in. Having been through this journey with you as your friend I never truly have been able to understand what you have endured all these years but this goes a great way in helping me to make sense of how this has affected you. It’s interesting to read how this illness can blur the line between reality and some god awful nightmare. Mental illness is still even in the 21st century a taboo subject that not many which to discuss or acknowledge which I never understood why. Maybe if we spoke about it more people wouldn’t feel like they have to suffer in silence and In turn would go some way to helping them cope with day to day life, something that many of us take for granted. I think you are an inspiring writer and hope that you get the recognition you deserve.
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Mc you’ve just made me cry..! Thanks so so much for reading and commenting.. and for your lovely lovely words. Means the most. You’re right the taboo status will hopefully shift as more people come out with their own stories.. and it becomes more normalised. I’m just coming out to meet you- so we can chat. But seriously- having you as a friend has got me through the last 12 years, has always been the thing which has grounded me. Now I’m coming out to meet you before I’m too teary to go outside.. Love you loads xxxx
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Interesting that you should make use of the word ‘force’ here. I have a friend who suffers persistent psychosis and she calls her persecutor ‘The Force’. Another great write here. Keep up the good work, Alex!
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Yeah it bloomin feels like that some days, and the utter ridiculousness of that kinda compounds the whole experience…
Thanks a lot for reading again.
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Isn’t the real problem that this seems all too reasonable to those who don’t understand the part they play in their own lives? Only when you do can it seem ridiculous. When it’s not, then it’s a force to be reckoned with…
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