(Continued from a previous article..)
Moreover, if you entertain any of these thoughts for too long, the obvious yet perilous extension is to start wondering where the strength of these experiences come from- and that is when you start to stray into really dangerous territory.
Because the intensity of the experiences literally wipes reason away from your ability to comprehend; reason becomes a pale shade, a weak flimsy layer of hope and optimism in the face of forces which seem to hold more force in their little finger than any logical theory could ever, really, hope to contain.
Your ability to reason is knocked away, and in crawls other things: fear and doubt and disbelief?
For it does usually feel as though there is something there; some kind of malevolent force forcing you to periodically endure this bizarre waking nightmare.
The strength of it, and the way it comes on out of the blue for no apparent reason, makes it feel like there is something, something which is doggedly hounding you and making you suffer.
Obviously, this is not the case; obviously it is only the force of the illness and the force of the psychosis.. but once you’ve experienced these intense bouts of psychosis enough times that just the suggestion of its reappearance is enough to strike dread into you, you start to wonder- what exactly is this psychosis, and why is it so ridiculously powerful.
You are aware that thinking in this way isn’t helpful.. but it is really dam hard not too.
For me, these are the thoughts which really strike terror into me. When it’s happening, all I can seem to think is why is this happening again, and how will I overcome it when it’s this flipping strong and this flipping persistent?? And then the chilling sensation creeps in that there is actually something there; there is something which is attacking you and it’s pissed, really really pissed and seems to have no mercy, remorse or reason.
That is when it really grips you; it seems to sink it’s claws in and thrash you about. You’re already mentally on your knees being kicked in the face repeatedly by the strength of these sensations; but then the creeping paralysing doubt starts to crawl in- where does that strength and intensity come from- what the f*** is this?
But at the same time you’re frantically screaming to yourself this isn’t helpful thinking! This isn’t positive! Get back up to that razor thin line and start trying to walk it again..!! Get away from all of these delusions and associations which are only fuelling this waking hell!
When all of this starts happening.. it’s the most you can do to hold yourself upright. It’s the most you can do not to collapse to the ground in tears; tears of sadness and despair yes, but more so tears of bind rage and frustration at the futile useless nature of these symptoms, and the unjust nature of the whole goddam experience.
It really, really isn’t pleasant. Just like trying to remove your own teeth with a pair of pliers.. really wouldn’t be pleasant.
(Continued in part three..)