So this illness is persistent. This is a really simple way of describing how completely horrendous the few couple of weeks have been.
It’s been like all the lingering symptoms which have hung around over the last five years, and have been distressing in a kind of low level, regular and predictable way, blew wide open and left me basically bed-ridden for most of last week.
I’m not entirely sure what triggered this, but Ru bore the brunt of it- and has dealt with so much ranting and raving I swear to God he must have been some kind of saint or spiritual guru in a past life to be able to brush off such a massive load of delusional crazy mother f*ing BS without breaking too much of a sweat.
That’s not to say it hasn’t been difficult; and I have put such a strain on both of us that I thank my lucky stars and all other dimensional guides and protectors that we have been able to work through it together and talk through the things I have been freaking out about.
Ru is an absolute wonder of a man, and I do wonder about the universe to think that our paths crossed and we were lucky enough to meet.
Though I do think I’ve been luckier than he has, over the last few weeks, and I have told him that, and I have told him that I think the reason it may have come on bad is that he’s lifting me up higher and higher, which is causing my own internal warning system so start flashing red lights and blaring signs such as YOU ARE TOO HIGH UP FROM SOLID GROUND, COME DOWN RIGHT NOW BEFORE YOU FALL 50,000 FEET AND BREAK LIKE AN EGG.
Ru suggested that perhaps this apparent final swipe of the illness’s claw has been like some kind of parting shot, a final and climatic push on the part of the enemy in my mind to challenge my belief and my strength, and undermine the things I know to be true.
Because that’s all the voices seem to be trying to do- undermine the things I know are true, about myself and my own innate right to be happy and to work towards the things that I want for my future.
For of course I have a right to be happy; just as everybody else on this hunk of rock we call earth does. I’m not expecting a fricking personal helicopter and a space on the VIP list at the Ritz in Monaco, I’m just asking for a basic level of peace, and chance to relax and enjoy myself.
I know more than anything how fragile peace of mind can be, and mind-sets themselves can be; and I also know that we each are responsible for our own happiness. I know that I have worked by ass off, every single moment of every single day for the last ten years to reach a point where I could feel relaxed, for at least a small portion of every day; and to not feel bad about things which happened years ago and in another life.
Although, in all honesty, I don’t even think we should feel like we need to work so hard for happiness. Happiness is a basic human right; it is a state of mind, and something that exists within each and every one of us. We shouldn’t have to fight so dam hard for that. But, hey- that’s another issue and another essay.
I know now, that with Ru by my side, we are stronger than anything this illness suggests, and stronger than any of the jealous, hateful things the voices have been frantically screaming at me. And now, when they fade out and cease for a time, and the peace settles back in, I can actually feel that so much more tangibly than I have ever been able to before.
This is all Ru’s influence as well. It’s like, before we met, I was fighting for this hypothetical state of relative peace. Now I’m there and I’m actually beginning to sense it and feel it, and subsequently to relax a bit- a little part of me can’t quite believe it’s actually real and not just another elaborate delusion or waking dream.
He has been by my side for every single ridiculous and utterly heart rending ballistic fit of the last week; and there are no words which are good enough to properly express how I feel about that.
Now that it’s passed and I’m back at work, I can grasp that it was all for something good and for something better. I’ve gained a bit of distance from it all and realised that none of it was real, and none of it wasn’t- it was all somewhere in the middle, like everything else it depends upon where you’re looking at it from, and what your own perspective is and wants to be.
There is nothing there which needs to be worried about, or needs to be felt bad about- this is the main thing.
Ru has started reading “The Power of Now,” and was talking about the author’s discussion of your mind being a tool, which you can use how you wish. But perhaps if you’re not entirely aware of what is within it, it will use itself in whatever way it wants to. We’ve both been talking about perhaps starting some kind of meditation, as a way of developing peaceful mind-sets.
Although I think that will be made a helluva lot easier for both of us once this fades back out again.
For me I think that it is learning to deal with the strongest negative emotions with arise within me- which I know are really only a reaction to the events of the last twelve years. Unfortunately this illness creates delusions which feel so real and so strong, and emotions of fear, horror, self-loathing and self-doubt. These emotions can be really hard to move on from, and really hard to ‘forget about.’
The last one being the killer. Self-doubt is that most terrible and destructive of emotions to deal with, and with schizophrenia it come on in the most chilling, devious and twisted of ways.
I think natural responses to this are fear and a retreat inwards, or a blood curdling and manic rage. Rage at the things which are suggested, and rage at being forced to contemplate things which are so far from the truth and so vividly and emphatically twisted.
I think I reacted in both ways, and now I am challenging these voices head on, it’s erupting outwards. Ru has helped me to quieten those voices, and quieten the rage they create in me.
It’s been emotional.
But now it is behind us- it is in the past.
I will channel the lingering sense of mystery into my writings and hopefully find words which convey the compelling sense of wonder and respect I still hold for all things psychic and all things spiritual and emotional.
That will never get wiped away, I will just relate to it in new and ever more positive ways; forever moving forwards, forever moving onwards and upwards.