So today has been good so far.
The sun is out and shining bright, and although i woke late i managed to gather together all my things (a massive bag packed for 5 nights at Ru’s), pick up a taxi to take me down the hill to the station and jump on my train with two minutes to spare.
I got to Sutton train station at 9.48 exactly, and made it down the hill to arrive at the front door of the office at 10.00am. Perfect timing. I actually felt pretty smug that i’d managed to get in on time, despite the fact that i’d lay in bed for over an hour earlier this morning repeatedly hitting snooze.
The office is calm and quiet, and i am working on mindfullness and remaining in the monent and resisting the urge to be affected by negative voices. The reactions i have are generally irritation, anxiety or self doubt- BUT- none of them are real, they are only the voices of my own stress and mind/distress.
I have a dear friend on WordPress who has made me aware of the concept of the “comfort zone,” and it is this which i am currently focusing on strengthening. It is already happening. I am connecting with the quiet and the calm more and more, and it is an entirely delicious feeling.
Just sitting here writing this, the me in my mind feels like she is lying on a sunny beach, where the sun is gorgeous but not too hot and a light breeze blows occasionally. The sky is cornflower endless blue and the day is stretching ahead, open and light and free and i can let myself relax and enjoy the stillness and the calm.
Ha, i’m sure you’re thinking- “on a thursday norning in the office?! You really are mad!” But after the upheaval and violence of the last few weeks, the simple quiet of this office literally feels like a godsend.
I just spoke to my boss, and another colleague who is really lovely and understanding, and told them (briefly and sugarcoated) about the last couple of weeks. My boss is great, and came right and said to me she thinks i push myself too hard. I was like, what you’ve known me 3 months and you have already become aware of that?! Do i radiate a glaring and obvious sense of ridiculous overthought and overanalysing stress?!
Perhaps i do. But this is something i am slowly getting into check; learning to distinguish between what are healthy and sensible levels of pushing myself fowards to grow and achieve more, and what are simply the voices in my mind screaming insults which are unfounded and only destructive.
Destructive things are to be avoided, peaceful things are to be embraced.
So i am enjoying my inner mind calm this morning. The me in my mind is stubbornly staying on the beach, and refusing to be drawn by niggles and worries and voices.
The day is sunny and beautiful and the office is peaceful- the day is full and brimming with possibility, and i’m just about to head out to buy bits for a social group i’m running later.
Keep smiling and have a good day everybody š
Mad new world 
I’m glad to hear that your feelings about the comfort zone are bearing fruit. I’ve been in bed for the most part of the last three days, as you know, and there really is nothing quite as nice as being half sleepy and in a toasty warm bed.
I do know that the comfort zone is the solution to your problems – I don’t know how or why. Which doesn’t help much, does it? When you do know, you can teach me, okay?
What is certain is the ‘unfoundedness’ you speak of. The comfort zone is, if nothing else, real. Genuinely, 100% real. The problem comes when people start imagining things based on their comfort zones. Those voices of yours are part of that…
LikeLiked by 1 person
Hi! Yes good to be back on here, has been a while, and i hope you’re feeling slightly better now as well? Yes the comfort zone is absolutely real, and i think it is what gets absolutely ripped to shreds by the more intense and horrendous parts of this illness. Meds dumb you up so you can kinda “dumb” through your days.. but now i think i’m trying to reconnect with the calm, and certain, fundementally USELESS internal warning systems are making that very diffecult to achieve lol.. But I’m getting there, each day is getting better now. Lots to write about š
LikeLiked by 1 person
Slightly better is the word…
Isn’t the point of these “internal warning systems” that they ARE useless? Isn’t it for us to take account of them, because their job isn’t to force us to do anything. Heaven doesn’t work that way – only evil forces itself where it isn’t welcome.
That ‘getting better’ will also be a realization your relationship to these warning systems.
LikeLiked by 1 person
Yes.. lol and are we not on earth? Somewhere hopefully far “above” “evil” and far below “heaven”? And when the warning lights start flashing the appearence of a stray fork on the counter.. which doesn’t appear outwardly evil, although perhaps i should have suspected on first seeing the prongs.. you know?! It is so unbelievably diffecult to slow it down when it gets going, and actually unpick what is happening below the surface, because, and this is the most frustrating part- I ALREADY KNOW!! But once it all starts running away with itself there is no ability to apply reason. That happens afterwards, and the whole process of not reacting to said “warning systems” takes nothing but time and work. And apparently the occasional massive upheaval š
LikeLiked by 1 person
All I can say to that is you’re on your own: I truly have no idea what it needs or where you’re going.
Only, you say, “and this is the most frustrating part- I ALREADY KNOW!!” Somehow you have to learn how to control this, stop this. That’s where I can’t help you. There are several things I want to point out to you, firstly that your perceptive abilities are well above the usual, and secondly, that speaks of a mind that has the ability to harness whatever it is that assails you.
Your problem with your book is that too few fellow sufferers will have this capacity. Never mind that; if it helps but one person, it’ll have done its work.
LikeLiked by 1 person
I’m not on my own š Very very very luckily. Ru is in the next room, and for that I am truely blessed. And your advice and guidance has been crucial, genuine and emphatic. I can tell you, in a nutshell, what the process is which is happening. I’ll email to you because it is long and a little bit ranty š
LikeLiked by 1 person
I would like to add, “although perhaps i should have suspected on first seeing the prongs” – those prongs are actually evil. We can use them for evil intent, or we can do good with them. That is our choice.
In this respect, your ‘voice’ is correct. I don’t know if the rest is, though š
I get the impression that if you understand evil thoroughly, in all its day to day manifestations, you will have a better handle on the voice’s ability to send your mind scattering. I’ll add that I’ve not met a person who can grasp the profoundly mundane character of some kinds of evil – like the fork points – in the way you can.
LikeLike