So I have come out the end of a long nightmare spiral, and I have learnt a lot- despite the fact that I seem to have spent a lot of the last month ranting and raving.
Ru has been with me, through every twist and turn and tumble; and the end result appears to have been that my wonderful sister managed to get us Glastonbury tickets! This is literally a dream come true for me, because although I have been twice before, I was always tagging along with my sister and her friends. I had my own tent, and slept by myself. Don’t get me wrong they were great experiences (I’m not sure that Glastonbury could ever be a bad experience), but I wanted to go with Ru so badly- and now it’s actually going to happen. It’s going to be fricking amazing, and I am so excited I’m getting butterflies now just thinking about it.
It is the best ending to a crappy month, and testament to the phrase “things can only get better.” Also a reminder of how absolutely amazing my sister is- she knew I wouldn’t get my ass in gear quick enough to get onto the internet at 9am on whatever date it was, so she did it for me, and actually managed to get through and get us tickets. She, and the universe, are flipping brilliant.
So now I am looking forward. Although I do want to make one last note on the last week, before I do that. Although it has been a nightmare, I think a part of me needed it on some level. I put my meds down, only by a fraction, but that was likely enough for the niggling symptoms which have been there for years to blow up to a level of intensity which was at times overwhelming.
However, I think a part of me needed to meet that head on, and needed to engage with those complicated thought processes and emotions without the cholozopine haze to dull them all down. I think I needed to prove to myself that I could deal with all that, and work through some things which were too difficult under a strong sedative. The sedative means that everything kinda becomes blurred- you can’t tell exactly which trigger has been the one to go off and cause you stress. Without that everything became starker, and closer somehow.
I have put them back up now. I’m sensible enough to acknowledge that those levels of tension are not good for the mind or the body, and was getting sick of walking around feeling like a faulty gas canister. I will probably try again at some point in the future, but I’m pleased with myself for giving it a go, fighting like hell, but then having the sense to realise that those levels of craziness are not healthy or sustainable. I really don’t want to end up back in hospital- I’ve got too many things I want to do!
Moreover, today has been a really good day. And has underlined again how important the last few weeks have been. A good friend of mine on WP has written a post, which I read today, which has made me realise that these experiences are just challenges to be overcome and learnt from. I have made a lot of mistakes over the last month, and indulged emotions which are only destructive and useless; but in doing so I have realised how destructive and useless they really are. I think prior to that everything was too dimmed to be able to really engaged with meaningfully and learnt from.
If you don’t meet danger head on, you don’t understand fully why it’s dangerous, and you don’t learn why it needs to be avoided.
It has all been constructive, even though it didn’t feel like it all the time. I am learning so much about the world, and myself, through these crazy and testing times. I am learning to leave behind the thought processes which only suggest futile battles; I am learning that I do have the power and the control to prevent meaningless issues from affecting me in such a strong way. I am learning to distinguish between real and theoretical; things which might be important in certain contexts, are only destructive and useless in others. And I am learning so much about deeper aspects of myself- I am learning to reconnect with parts of me which have long lied dormant.
Ru has been guiding me. His love is such an antidote to the pull of the past. I know I am strong, but he makes me feel it; and this is the most incredible thing.
We are focusing on the future now- on travelling, writing and all the amazing things we are going to do together! This is so exciting and so uplifting, and really underlies the fact that recovery is real and that it is possible. It takes time, grit and hard work, but it is real.
Glastonbury is only two months away! We are soon going to start sorting out tents, raincoats, wellingtons and thermals; for despite the fact that we’re both praying for sun, the mud pools of Glastonbury are a real and present danger. I’m hoping for at least one sunny day so that we can lie out somewhere and listen to a cacophony of different bands play around us, and watch the constant and ever different stream of people move about us.
We’re going to have so many adventures, and so many awesome experiences- that is where my attention will lie now, and that is where my mind will be.