After the voices fade away, and the related mental mayhem subsides and dark clouds scatter to reveal the blue sky once more- I can finally hear myself think.
It feels like summer. Like the storm has subsided, the air pressure has dropped and the pounding rains have ceased. Now there is only big calm, now there is only peace and quiet and a soft appreciation for vast empty spaces.
This emptiness is appreciated, when there has been so many intruding influences; when there has been so much contradictory and conflicting versions of reality and events. When the air becomes charged with tension, some kind of electrical build up- a mental charge which couldn’t be dissipated for sense or reason.
Sometimes time is the only thing we have at our disposal. Sometimes time is the only thing we can depend upon definitely happening. Will-power is a force for change, will-power is a kind of grit which merely refuses to turn back- but the affects of such will-power can only be seen in time.
Big calm is the result of my refusal to accept constant stormy skies. Big calm is the result of some drawn out hurricane finally passing the peak of it’s power and strength. Big calm is the welcome reprieve, and the signpost to better times, to more peaceful psychic weather.
This calm resonates somewhere deep within me, and triggers memories of lives long past but still in existence somewhere in my memory. I remember long balmy, summers, and walks beneath autumnal trees dripping with rain water. I remember the feeling of falling off to sleep in comfortable anticipation of the day ahead.
I remember all of these things which took place years ago before the storm hit. But now I feel the calm again, the big blue calm, and it’s set a smile upon my lips. I will not have to fight forever, I will not always have to summon and maintain such will power just to make it through a day untouched by stress or ‘symptom.’
The Big calm will persist and enlarge; it will stretch out so that it covers every summer, and all the cold patches in between. It will wrap him and me in it’s peaceful inevitability, and draw us forward like a warm current in a raging river.