(Continued from part 1..)
What I am wondering now though, is whether or not I have simply tied up too many knots inside of me. Whether that by trying to understand the tall tree of my madness, rather than simply cleaving it down the moment I became aware of it, I have allowed those roots to grow deep and really clutch. I’m not technically crazy anymore, I am able to maintain a day to day life; but a lot of those mad roots have definitely intertwined with my “sane” ones on a fairly complex level.
This is a topic I could probably write another book on, because the boundaries and distinctions between logical and instinctual, rational and emotional can often become overwhelming.
I know that so many of the experiences I have had, over the last twelve years, have come to influence my mind and my thinking; but I always thought i would have the strength, and the presence of sense and self to be able to distinguish between delusional and logical, real and unreal. And I still do, on a rational level; but it seems that my emotions are more easily swayed, and my subconscious or instinctual mind is still bearing the brunt and still sent reeling my the most minuscule of red flags.
I guess what I am wondering atm, is how deep those roots clutch within me, and whether or not I will ever be able to get a permanent hold on the affect certain memories and triggers still seem to have on me. Will I ever be able to leave the negative voices behind? Can you ever get a permanent hold on your emotions and your thought processes? Can you ever get a permanent hold on your head?!
Probably not, not all the time. But there are times that I feel as though I need to; there are times when the symptoms still come on and deal me a massive blow, and I am still knocked down by things I rationally know I don’t need to be.
I realise that this is all an analogy for day to day life, and we are all affected by thought processes which are not rational, and emotions which don’t seem justified or proportionate; and that all of this is part of real life and the ongoing process of re assimilating all that is in my head into a pattern which seems to mostly fit and doesn’t send me into fight or flight mode at the faintest hint of danger.
I wonder, whether you can ever fully let go of, or leave behind the massive, overwhelming experiences you have with schizophrenia. Perhaps it is more about being flexible and relaxed enough to build new worlds around these old ones, and trust that the parts which really need to be let go of will simply fade out with time. Though this process, like learning I suppose, will not be easy and will not be painless.
This is kinda where I am right now. I am learning to trust new thought processes, and trust new emotional sequences and sensations. And I read something the other day which said that learning can be painful. When I started writing my book I believed I was there already, and that I had already overturned all the obstacles to my recovery which were in my head and in my self. I am learning now that this process is none so simple, and none so quick; perhaps this process is simply never over, it is simply part of living and learning and constantly being confronted with new experiences.
Having six years of delusional, schizophrenic experiences to assimilate was never going to be easy; I knew that already.
It’s been a long hard road already, but there is likely to be long, hard times ahead. All the while I remain open to that I think I will keep progressing; and I know I will always be open to this process. It’s in my blood and it’s in my head: I can leave the parts which cause me distress behind, I know I can. Or I can build around them, build defences which will hold back the worst of the emotional backlash to a delusional thought process.
The conclusion seems to be- that there is still a lot of learning to be engaged with ahead of me. Perhaps my notion, 18 months ago, that by simply identifying the concepts (pin-pointing what needs to be let go of, and acknowledging that the process will be hard) which needed to be considered and engaged with, I had done the hard part already was simplistic- hell it very likely was.
I am still open, able and willing to meet new challenges and engage with new thought processes, emotions and roots which clutch deep. And I know that everybody has days where their self confidence and sense of personal ability gets knocked; I think I was having one of those days when I started writing this essay, and I feel slightly less negatively inclined now that it’s finished..
Perhaps I am learning how close to my heart writing is, and how positive it can be for me to translate my thoughts into words which actually appear on the screen in front of me. I knew that already(!), but sometimes all you can do is enforce what you know, enforce the methods which work to entangle everything which is stressing you out, and then do that again and again and again and again.