I’ve been fairly quiet on WordPress for a few months now. A lot has happened; a new job, a fairly grim patch with regards to my mental health, a subsequent decision to increase my meds, and then a period of introspection and reflection.
I’m doing ok, and a lot better than a few months ago before the point that i decided to increase my meds. There were a few weeks where I felt as though i’d basically lost my mind again, but because it’d happened before and i’d experienced similar symptoms before, i could (just about) handle it.
But eventually i decided enough was enough; if i didn’t crack up first it felt as though my nervous system was going to give out, and things were becoming too strained with Ru. So I increased the meds, and this was enough to allow me to return to an underlying calm state of mind.
Now, after being on the higher dosage for about 2 months, i’m feeling very much better. However it did shake me a little, and it did make me wonder- how am i going to kick this illness completely?
I’m doing well, but there are moments when the symptoms push my buttons in ways i cannot believe, and cannot rationalise in any satisfactory way. I cannot believe how delusional, how paranoid, how hysterical i become. It always passes, but in the actual moment i feel as though i’m trapped somewhere in my head watching my physical sense rant and rave and despairing at how irrational and cliched i sound- like the typical mad woman, the arcetypal mad woman in the attic, driven to distraction by the moving images she imagines in the yellow wall-paper. I cannot believe how strongly i can be affected by such ridiculous, bat-shit-crazy notions.
I know that i am not to blame for the way my symptoms manifest; i am not to blame for the way my illness presents and the things it puts into my head. However there are times when i wonder why i can’t erase the delusional thoughts completely. I do not choose to follow certain thought patterns, it’s more like my mind sometimes falls back into those patterns out of habit. I’ve been very ill, for a long time, and thus my subconscious kind of returns to those parhways when i’m tired or not feeling 100%. However there are times when i wonder whether on a subconscious level, i submit to it’s occurance; and therefore do allow it to happen.
Therefore i sometimes wonder what it is about my mind which allows this to happen. What must change to allow me to kick this illness completely, to lose the propensity to think in this way at all. I know that ultimately it is only time, and hard work, which will act to dissolve the “crazy” thought processes and schema’s. I work to challenge them, and undermine them, and then slowly over time they fade out.
They only lead to distress and pain, therefore they are not what my mind wants to move towards- my mind wants to move towards states and conditions which bring peace, stability and happiness. Therefore in time, the neural pathways which promote these positive states will win out over the ones which lead to distress.
However i know that one of the main faults which exists within my thinking is the tendency to think i’m in the wrong, and then to feel bad or guilty because of it. I feel guilt very accutely, and god do i beat myself up. I identify it as being an aspect of the illness- or a direct consequence of the illness and certain reoccuring and hugely negative experiences. I’ve ended up feeling like i was doing everything wrong so many times; i’ve there’s ever any doubt now it’s like a fall into a state of guilt instinctively (though i know there’s aspects of resentment existing in those processes as well, because the other side of me knows i’ve done nothing wrong and therefore does on no level deserve to feel bad.)
I’m working on this atm; working on challenging that propensity for guilt, and forcing myself to acknowledge that I’M IN THE RIGHT! EVERY GODDAM TIME AND IN EVERY CONCEIVABLE CONTEXT- I AM IN THE RIGHT….
I’m so much busier now that i’m working, which makes maintaining this self belief easier. Whilst i still suffer from some paranoia and anxiety at work, it’s low level and i’m able to focus over it and hold onto what’s actually important- which is doing the job to the best of my abilty. I think i’m kinda smacking it so far, and so i figure if my colleagues think i’m a little bit of an odd-ball it’s not too important.
I’m moving in the right direction. Right now i’m sat on Ru’s bed, watching dr who and working on this post. Ru’s on the pc playing civ 6 with two of his friends- and we’re relaxed and content. I know how simple this sounds but to me it is utter bliss- 3 or 4 months ago this scene wouldn’t have happened, i wouldn’t have been able to connect with the calm for long enough.
My mind whispers lies to me at times, and if i’m tired or stressed, and so not as focused on what i’m doing, then the lies start to take on weight. I think that we all have this propensity for superstition, for the irrational, for the emotional. We control it via rational thought, and stay on top of it via rational conceptualisation; this is how we navigate through the sea of uncertainty which might otherwise overwhelm us.
My recovery has been a process of reconnecting with that rational schema, and in the last couple of months i’ve come on so far. But i have got out of touch with the WordPress. This has been mainly because i haven’t wanted to dwell on things by writing about them.. but i feel now as though i’m back in a more positive mindset, and rediscovered my motivation to write and blog.
Hopefully i will be back on here a lot more regularly from now on, and be able to reconnect with people again. There’s still so much i want to write about- in fact i think i have about 50 posts sat in draft stage- so there’s a lot more still to come.
I hope you all keep coming back, as receiving comments and moral support from people means the world to me and always works to put a smile on my face 🙂
Thanks for your support so far!