So I am writing this post directly after publishing the last one. It Sunday, Ru and I are having a day in and I wanted to get some writing done today as I’m working Mon-Friday next week, and won’t be around on Saturday at all.
I am just getting back into the WordPress mindset, and said in a previous post that I want to get back into the routine of publishing at least once a week. I enjoy the process of putting together the pieces, submitting them onto the world stage for all eyes to see, and then waiting with anticipation to see if anybody actually comes back to acknowledge this process. Moreover, and perhaps more importantly for me at this stage, it’s a really good way of developing my writing.
I am full of dreams, you see, at this moment. I am full of dreams of becoming published, and writing books which move people and change the way they consider concepts surrounding mental illness, and mental health. I dream of re-framing the word schizophrenic, so that more people truly understand the truth and experience behind it.
I dream of finishing my ‘self-help/memoir’ and it being received positively, and then held up as a book which may help people still suffering through the throws of severe mental illness to overcome their symptoms. I dream of my book influencing doctors- psychiatrists and psychologists- to view serious mental health conditions in a different way, and view the experiences people go through in different ways.
I suppose that ultimately, I dream of my book making a difference. This is what it boils down to.
I dream that after having this book published, I am driven and able enough to go onto write fantasy novels with protagonists suffering mental illness and associated symptoms. I believe there are so many stories which need to be told, and haven’t been told yet- and I dream of being the one to address this.
These dreams are massive– I am aware of that! Even as I write them here, ultimately confess them to all of you, I have to smile as a little pebble of self-doubt drops into my stomach through my chest.
In moments when the negative thoughts come on stronger than the positive thoughts, I wonder whether I’m setting my hopes too high, and striving for things which are beyond my reach. Dreams can be dangerous, in a sense, because they give you something to lose. Dreams indicate hope, and inspiration- and they require a degree of commitment and faith if you dare to work for them.
Daring to dream is also daring to set yourself up for a fall, and daring to strive for things which can’t certainly be achieved is daring to work for something which may never be realised.
It can be terrifying, dreaming- and I realise on certain days how crazy a lot of the dreams I have are. However I feel that it is this terror, this danger inherent in dreaming, which makes it important- for it represents us imagining self-actualisation. It represents us imagining a scenario where our bests bits our enhanced- where our our best bits win out over all the stuff which works to hold up back from realising our full potential and all that we might achieve.
On the days when my writing is going really well, and I can actually conceive of my book getting published, I can’t stop those dreams coming hard and fast. Those dreams seem achievable, in positive moments, and that is why I don’t give up on them.
I think that daring to dream, daring to aspire to something beyond what you are in the present moment, is the most necessary form of faith and defiance.
For if I could imagine finishing my book, then I could imagine it getting published. If I could imagine it getting published then I could imagine it being received well and drawing acclaim and recognition. If I can imagine that, then I could imagine myself going onto to write more books..
I am very lucky- I have a highly developed imagination, and it’s clear that my imagination will take me as far as I would dare to go. So, and I suppose you likely knew this moment was coming, this is the moment where the dream must be brought back down to earth and then considered in a practical sense:
Do I have the determination, the discipline and the grit in me, to put in the work required to make these dreams a reality?
This is where the most intrepid dreamer must sit down, grapple with the hard truths which often work to hold them back, and then find a match to set those dreams into a fire. The dreamer must let that fire burn brightly in their belly.
If I am prepared to put the work in, there is no reason to doubt that I could achieve the things I want to. If I am prepared to put the work in, and it would be a lot of work, there is all the reason to believe that one day, my dreams might actually be realised.
I need to accept the fact that I might work and work, and still not be lucky enough to succeed in the way I dream I might- and I think that this is often the realisation which turns people away from their dreams, this thought of eventual “failure,” even after exerting blood sweat and tears.
I suppose I feel that I’d rather try and fail, than never try at all.
There is already a fire burning brightly in my belly, and so I will continue to allow myself to wildly dream, and I will continue to work for all the things which I can imagine.
Even if not all of it becomes true, even it none of it comes to anything- I will continue to dream, and work and strive for that future where my best bits are emphasised.
I will never stop daring to dream.