Post christmas, post relapse- and an understandable lack of direction.

It’s strange, I spent a day yesterday staring at the computer screen, unable to type anything or even construct a sentence. I don’t usually suffer with this problem, usually I have an idea and can pen enough for an article in half an hour or so. However I think that post christmas, post relapse, I’m thinking more seriously about what I write and how I write it. My confidence has been knocked about a bit, along with everything else.

I want to start writing more focused articles; less introspection and more conceptual exploration. I chatted to my sisters husband on Christmas day about writing, and read through the first chapter of his novel, and it got me seriously thinking. His chapter was really good, really rich and descriptively elaborate- and it started me thinking about which novel I should focus on this year and how best to develop my own writing style. I’ve been working on my self help novel for so long now it’s starting to stare back at me when I glance at it, the task of completing it seems collosal in my mind.

I’m still uncertain as to whether or not it’s sensible to start work on it again now, or leave it and start focusing on something different. I’m wondering whether my old mantra- “anything writen is something achieved” is still valid or whether I should start being significantly more self-critical before I publish anything. I use this blog as a personal space, and have always felt that each article I published held value in its own right. Moreover, I enjoy writing, and so don’t take it too seriously. Now I’m wondering whether I’m naive, whether I should start significantly questionning the value of something before I start working on it. I’ve lost a kind of faith, on a level, I think, in something I can’t quite put a finger on.

However on the flip side to this, I’m also dealing with sobriety at the moment, trying to cut cigarettes from my life and not fall into the trap of thinking about relapse issues at all. My mind is fairly misty at times, and I spent an hour of today walking a fine line between rage and symptoms. I’m doing ok, but there are moments when the urge to retreat into questioning everything is strong. So I guess the fact that I’m conflicted over my writing at the moment makes sense. I’m conflicted over a lot of other things as well, and trying to hold it all at bay. The natural juices don’t really have the right mental state within me to flow at the moment.

I’d love to be able to write something to sum up the mayhem of the last three months, but I have four other novels planned and started which I’d also like to finish. I’m not sure that this is the right time to go back to the self help book- I did a bit of editing whilst I was on Langley ward and it felt like looking into a slightly distorted mirror- perhaps not the project to immerse myself in at the moment.

I may need to publish a few more of these directionless articles, before I get my focus back, just to prove to myself that I’m still writing firstly for me; holding myself to my own standards rather than what makes most commercial sense.

Thanks for following 🙂

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