I’m going through quite a strange phase at the moment. I’ve written a couple of posts, in the last couple of months about how I”m no longer 100% comfortable stating that the difficulties I encounter day to day can be attributed to the schizophrenia, and I wonder if through this observation I’ve started a ball rolling, somewhere, somehow.
The terrible symptoms which I labelled ‘the tic,’ and which have been my main obstacle and terror for the last seven years or so are gradually fading out. The tic still comes on, every now and again, and I experience rage and despair in one horrendous sucker punch which is massively distressing. But I’m now able to almost sense before it comes on, and nip it in the bud before I’m reduced to a howling, seething mess.
It still occurs from time to time, but the duration of it and the intensity of it is less. I always stated to people that I felt as though it was a process I was working through- learning to accept the reasons the tic came on, accept them and then forgive myself and factors for what would happen in terms of these ‘symptoms.’ I’ve learnt to acknowledge the complexity behind the tic, rather than falling into the trap of blaming one aspect of myself, one memory or one person- it is always, far more complicated than that and accepting that complexity takes the sting out of the rage, when it comes on.
So these symptoms are fading, and in their wake I”m left with a curious lull, a curious quiet, dare I say it- kind of, sort of, peace.
And it’s very strange to deal with it because in that lull I sense a voice saying (a new voice which I don’t actually hear but which is present all the same), saying now you have to move on from this, now you have to start moving in a different way, to a different rhythm. You have to learn the steps to a new dance, function within a different pattern, align yourself to a different paradigm. I have lived for so long, within the boundaries which the schizophrenia set for me; through early more fluid years to the later ones which as I’ve just said, were plagued by the tic and the ferocious violence which came with it. I wonder if I spent too long in the early years, I didn’t progress with enough urgency- but this is only me wondering.
It seems to me that living with this diagnosis forced me to accept it fully and dismantle it so that I could find the positives and live with those as my guiding force. However I was always looking forward, I was always looking to leave behind the worst of the symptoms, and perhaps that was what caused the tic, perhaps I have had to walk that pathway of fire all the way to its end to come to the next stage.
However in leaving the schizophrenia behind I need to find a new framework, I need to find a new pattern to function within, to exist around and it’s strange, it’s strange because I find myself at a very positive point, yet it’s utterly terrifying to consider what comes next and this is only because it will be so new to me, it will be something I don’t know. My mind struggles to comprehend this change because it has been so invested in its previous label- schizophrenia.
Schizophrenia is a massive word, and a massive label. What on earth can I replace it with?
I think that the answer to that is a million little things. I’ve spent so long working with this one massive word, idea, identity, and now I’m struggling to slowly turn myself back over to the smaller things. The smaller pathways, rhythms and patterns; rather than seeing the kalidiscope turn as a whole I need to let myself dance within it.
So I’ll likely write a few more posts about this strange point I find myself at, as it really begins to sink in and manifest over the next little while.
Thanks for reading.