It was beautifully sunny as I walked into work today. I left Ru at Caterham, as he had an annual leave day and was planning on shacking up at Costa and getting some words written, and took the train to East Croydon as I do every morning.
I just made the 7.28 train, a bonus because it cuts out an hour or so of early morning stressing- will I make it in by 9am or not.
If I get the next train, which is the 7.44, there is always the possibility that the next train I get will be late or cancelled, which means I run the risk of being slightly late into work (thank you southern rail for adding this dilemma into my mornings.)
This morning though, I made it into Sutton on time and was able to enjoy a leisurely walk down the hill to my office. I popped into Costa to pick up a vanilla soya latte, which I’ve never tried before, and made my way into the office. I was the second person in, after my boss, which always makes me feel a tiny bit smug. Also, I can report- vanilla, soya latte’s are delicious.
I was early, and so could afford to sit writing for twenty minutes or so- and I especially wanted to this morning because the blue sky, bright sun and crisp air had filled me with some kind of epic Friday feeling. Without sounding too corny I am full up with the joys of spring this morning: life feels really dam good.
I feel as though I notice small progresses in my life, my thinking and my behaviour every day now. I feel as though I’m turning some long slow corner as I navigate my way through this new way of living, and new pace of living. I’m not sure how to put it, other than by saying I am still writing my self-help book, and am still pouring all the small victories and revelations I seem to experience daily into it.
I am trying to illustrate the epic nature of a battle against mental illness, and also how massive and profound the rewards are after the fighting dies down, and the peace and quiet starts to make it’s way back in. Without getting to metaphorical, or too gushing, I do feel as though I am making my way out of some deep dark hole and back towards the light. I feel as though I have spent years trying to train my mind to function in a way which is positive and productive and doesn’t leave me wanting to claw the walls.
And now, I finally feel as though I am starting to notice the fruits of that labour. It is something which is really interesting to write about because I notice more and more than peace of mind cannot be held onto, or gripped too tightly; it is not something which can be fixed and pinned down, because life cannot be fixed and pinned down. I think that peace of mind is something close to being able to keep up with life; being able to move from one situation to the next without being bowled over by the sheer magnitude of each, and the potential repercussions of each.
Peace of mind is akin to peace with life– and I think that, as my pace of life speeds up and I enjoy more and more possibilities for learning, progression, and reward, I am able to start leaning on life a little bit again; I am starting to feel as though the world around me will prop me up again, I do not have to rely solely on my own stubbornness any more.
I want to write more on this, but not here and now. This is really just an article to acknowledge the magnitude and magic of life and everything in it! (I told you I might get gushing).
I am enjoying work, I am noticing the positive effects of all the “mind-work” I have been doing, and Spring is just around the corner. My book is coming along well, and Ru and I are starting to consider doing some kind of sun holiday; travelling to somewhere where we can lie on a beach for a week and soak up the sunlight.
So far, 2018 hasn’t been half bad- sometimes, all you need is a little bit of sunshine to put you in a dam good mood.
Happy Friday everyone J