So… I’m kinda flailing a little bit with my “grand plan.” (Just so that the rest of this post make sense I will share my “grand plan” with you…) It’s simple really:
1. Use blog to improve my writing skills,
2. Use blog to raise awareness of the reality behind schizophrenia and mental illness,
3. Finish my book and find a publisher….
Written succinctly like this it seems so easy. You know? It seems like something which could be achieved in a year.. and last January that was what I foresaw.
I figured that by now I’d be terrified, waiting for responses from agents, and frantically wondering whether or not I’d managed to produce something which anybody other than my mum would want to read.
To be fair to myself, I have written 90,000 words. I have a book. I just know it’s not in the format I want it to be yet; I still have a lot of editing, and restyling to do, before it’s readable.
I haven’t been keeping to the schedule I set for myself with regards to this blog either. I wanted to publish a post a week, and to alternate between posts to do with the book, stuff to do with mental health, and then others with a more general focus.
I started off in really high spirits, and became kind of obsessive about the writing/publishing process. I got a bit of a buzz from pressing the publish button and knowing that my post was out there for all the world to see in it’s final, polished, edited state.. and then I received lots of comments and likes and that got me even more psyched.
So this fuelled me for about ten weeks.. but then after that the posts started becoming more sparse, and now I’m kinda swamped by the brilliant “plan” which was originally driving me. I know it’s still do-able; I just need to summon some strength to finish this flipping book…!
So I need to get focused again; I need to get my fire back.
I’m volunteering two days a week now for a homelessness charity in South London, which is awesome, but definitely pulling away some of my attention. The niggling symptoms are still persistent and still there, though I’m learning new ways to deal with them. I’m also hoping to lose about 25lb by summer time, get rock hard abbs and get my diet back into a bit of a greener state in the next few weeks, (all fairly basic January goals I know..)
So basically, I have some other stuff going on which is also pulling away my attention.
I guess I need to start prioritising.. although I did just start playing Skyrim on the pc, which is a lot of fun.. but I do need to prioritise ways of relaxing as well right?!
I think I was provoked to write this post because I just watched an episode of Big Bang, and Sheldon said to Penny (after she asked him whether quitting her job at the cheesecake factory to focus on her acting career was the right thing to do), that if you want to achieve your goals you have to focus 100% of your time and brainpower on whatever your are trying to do.
100% is a pretty big ask.. but perhaps I need to accept that Skyrim is a lesser concern, and writing comes first. Writing comes first.
Dieting needs to be sensible and sustainable, because I cannot concentrate when I’m hungry, and exercise just needs to be a done, not fretted and stressed about. Volunteering can be seen as a secondary outlet, for the time being, which is contributing to a future not centred around being a published author. Cause I probably need to consider that, in a practical realistic way..
Right now I’m shattered because I did an outreach shift last night. We managed to find a 61 year old guy who was sleeping rough, and brought him into a shelter where he’ll get a warm meal and a bed, and then have the opportunity to start working with support workers to get him off the streets for good.
So this is a pretty amazing achievement for a Tuesday evening, and I feel great that I was able to be a part of making it happen.
I got to sleep at 1.45 and then got up at 6.45am, because the trains are still screwed up with the Southern strikes, and my journey into Sutton, which is where my volunteering happens on Wednesday, takes 2 hours by bus. So I’ve been fairly wrecked all afternoon, and reeeally need to sleep. Unfortunately Wolf of Wall Street is on film4 which is an epic film, and therefore I might stay up until it finishes.
Focus! Focus, focus, focus…
Tomorrow, once I have slept and can actually think straight again I will get disciplined. I’m not necessarily trying to convince myself, more acknowledge this stage in my creative funk.. I’m motivated but overwhelmed because I know I’ve still got a lot of work ahead of me. I’ll watch this film, sleep for eight hours and then get back on it tomorrow. That it, after having a healthy breakfast of porridge, blueberries and only a teaspoon of honey, and doing some core work.
If I prioritise, and am disciplined, I could get the book finished by the summer; another six months seems realistic. “The grand plan” is still achievable!
I just need to avoid Skyrim.. that’s not so hard, right?!